The Name Game

Yesterday was tough stuff. But, it ended well, and I think that's a good thing. Our birthmom is young (16) and shy, and it's been hard to kind of crack her shell, but I think I was able to do it last night as we sat around in her room watching TV and laughing. We talked about everything: from what I love about Bret (a long list) to foods I don't like (a short list).

And, then, she said it: Can we talk about the name thing? We had yet to name the baby as there has been some resistance. She admitted that she hated the name Naomi. And she said that while she thought it was special to have her first name as the baby's middle name, she didn't like that either.

Now, right now, that baby is her baby. She could name it the craziest of names because it is her choice. And, it's our prerogative to change it later at finalization if we want. But, here's the tricky part: we'd rather not have to change the name. Because, at the end of the day, our relationship with our birthmom is super important to us. And that's the beauty of domestic adoptions.

With Grant's adoption, his birthmom was a little older, a little less concerned about the name, a little more aware of the "end game," so to speak. But our birthmom REALLY cares about the name. It has been her biggest issue all along, and for months we have been dancing around the fact that she didn't like our selection.

And, to be honest, I was having some reservations about it myself. I LOVE the name Naomi. LOVE IT. But, every time I looked at that sweet baby, I'd think, "Is that right?" And, I never had those questions with Grant and Grace.

So, here it is the day we get discharged, and it will be--by all accounts--a hard day. It will be one of the most emotional days of our lives and for our birthmom as well. And, while we still don't have a name, we are getting really close. And, the birthmom is trying so hard to find one that works for all of us, as opposed to some of the more "unique" ones she had decided on long ago.

And, at the end of the day, what does it really matter? We're getting the greatest of gifts from this young girl, a girl we have come to love.

I'm so grateful for all my kids birth parents and foster parents. I'm thankful that they braved the hard road of pregnancy, filled with uncertainty. I'm thankful beyond measure that I get awesome responsibility and privilege to raise their children. These kids are twiced-loved, and their birth parents are heroic to me.

So, avid fan base (I know there is a least a grandparent or two out there), we'll let you know the whole new name soon...

The Hard Part

These few days are the hardest part of domestic adoption for Bret and for me. We sit in the hospital, often without a baby to hold, feeling isolated and alone. Don't get me wrong, it's a short wait for a great gain, but there is no denying that these days are hard. They are filled with anxiety and stress as we try to manage our relationship to our new love and the birthmom, who is often a pile of hormones and emotions as she gets ready for the hardest decision of her life. We don't doubt that her time is harder, but there is also no denying that these days here are tough stuff for us.

Add to the fact that Grant is coming unglued at the hinges at home, sobbing as he talks to me. I just want to be home with all my babies in one place.

We still expect that this adoption will work, but we have about a two week period while at home to wait...

But, while we wait, we hold on to the fact that our God is the giver of good gifts and has a plan for us that is perfect. We try--often on a moment by moment basis--to choose faith over fear.

And, we marvel at the amazing bundle of goodness we do get to love...

Pregnancy

I don't know what women who have bio babies feel like before the big day. Is each twinge a possibility? Is there an insane need to get things in order? Do they pack their hospital bags again and again?

We are in a strange and stressful time. We have yet to move into our house (any day now), can't find the hardware to set up the crib (but did find the pack-n-play; any bets on if we ever set up the crib?), and every single phone call feels like "the one." We have our bags packed (mostly), childcare set up, and know every possible air, car and train route to Attleboro, MA.

Last night, Grace woke up having to use the restroom, and when I fell back into bed, I was wide awake (my least favorite thing at 3 am), and soon, my mind had raced beyond my suitcase and magazines I could pick up for the birthmom to willing the phone to ring. I literally tried good ol' mind control for at least ten minutes. But the phone didn't ring.

It rang a few times this morning, each of which brings hopeful runs to pick it up before the machine gets it. And each time, it was Bret, talking to me about septic tanks, gas lines and some other nonsense about the house. I told him: no more phone calls. Unless it's good news. And good news--at this point--is a baby.

We are over the moon to hold our little one, to meet our birthmom (finally) after weeks of phone calls and texts, and to begin life as a family of 5. Now, if only we could settle on a name...

Updates

1. Congrats go to Bret's sister and brother-in-law as they welcome beautiful Natalie Reese into the world. She is so beautiful. We got to see them for a bit at the hospital last night, and we were simply amazed at how alert little Natalie was. She was so small too! We're excited that baby #3 will have a cousin so close in age!

2. We've owned the new house for less than a week, and we are already seeing big improvements. We've taken up 80% of the nasty carpets, pulled down wallpaper, taken down all the window fixtures, painted two ceilings, painted two rooms, and unpacked a handful of boxes. Here is a before picture of one of the rooms; we'll get you some after pictures soon. We had hoped to put all of our extra money toward renovations inside the house, but it looks like we might have to walk around on cement and subfloor for a bit, as we are having to tackle more outside work than we had hoped! Nothing like having your septic tank under your deck! Argh.

3. Baby #3. We continue the countdown to baby 3 (less than 3 weeks). The relationship with the birthmom continues to go well, and we are so excited to be parents to this little girl. There are some small hiccups in the legal end of it all, which leaves us with a bit more risk than we'd like, but we are confidant that the birthmom is steady in her choice.

As far as names, we continue to narrow the list. We know the baby's middle name will be Sierra, as that is her birthmom's name. Sierra is a very beautiful name, but it isn't the easiest to match with a first name. Several names that were early forerunners are falling behind (I hate to say goodbye to Eve, but I think Bret has put the nail in the coffin on that one for now). If you have any ideas, don't hesitate.

We will pack our bags this weekend, as we expect a "get your butts to Massachusetts now" phone call at any point. Now, if only I could find a suitcase and some clothes (not to mention baby things) in all of this mess!

Baby #3: The Q&A edition

These are some of the questions we have received via the blog, email or calling.

Q: What nationality will the baby be?
A: I don't think most mothers of bio kids have to answer this one, but when you have an AA son and a Chinese daughter, this question makes a whole lot of sense. Well, the birthmom is biracial: a mix of black, hispanic and white. The birthdad (I think??) is full AA, so we should have one little miss cute stuff on our hands!

Q: Are you sticking with G names?
A: It was never our intention. We always knew Grace's name would be Grace, and when we adopted Grant, we had a short list of names we liked, and when we saw him, we were pretty convinced Grant was his name. Plus, it was the name his birthmom liked best (of the options we told her), so there it was. So, with baby #3, the doors are open, but we tend to lean now toward really traditional names. I can guarantee there will be no yuppie in our choice. Do you have any names you think we should consider?

Q: Is there an issue with the baby being born in Massachusetts versus Indiana?
A: We might be under MA law; we might not. In talking with our lawyer, it will really come down to if she has claimed to be a resident of MA or not. It'd be helpful to be under IN law, as we wouldn't have to worry about the hoop-work involved in inter-state adoptions, but when you've adopted from a foreign country, a little inter-state paperwork does not seem that bad! So, in the end, we'll have to wait for our lawyer to come up with those answers.

Q: Are you ready to deal with a little black girl's hair?
A: Oh, the drama associated with black hair! If you haven't rented Chris Rock's Good Hair, you should check it out. Thankfully, we have lots of people to help us navigate the road when the time comes, especially the baby's birthmom. Until then, I'm going with bell hooks.

Q: Will you be in the new house by then?
A: Let's hope so! We take possession May 13, and we hope to have the kids' rooms painted and floors cleaned up within the week, so it's looking good that baby girl will get to come home to her very own nursery.

Q: Aren't you freaked out to bring a newborn, just a few days old, home with you on an airplane?
A: This might freak out most moms. But, a few hours on a plane with a kid does not scare mothers who have adopted internationally. Seventeen hours home with Grace... I think I can take a few hours.

Okay, are there more?

Baby #3

In the world of adoption, very little is certain. A birthmom could change her mind. A birthfather could enter the picture. But, the one thing that is absolutely certain is how excited we are to have another baby.

So, it's with equal measure hope and caution that we enter into adoption #3. Last night, we received a call from the agency saying that we had been selected by a birthmom. There were tears (of joy), head scratching (at the timing!!--we are in the middle of a move, after all), and lots of talk from the kids about what we should name the new baby.

It has been about a month since we were "active," about the same time it took in Grant's adoption. The baby is due June 2, and if all works out, we will be traveling to Massachusetts to bring the baby home (the birthmom lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana, but she's going to have the baby out east--long story). I got the opportunity to talk to the birthmom's mom (grandma to baby) last night, and we talked for hours. The conversation came so easily, was so full of love and laughter and hope. It simply couldn't have gone better.

We have yet to talk to the birthmom, and the first time we meet her will be in the hospital, most likely after birth. That's not the easiest of transitions for her, I'm sure, but we are confidant that God's hand is orchestrating these events, and therefore, can attend to her heart even now.

So, yeah, it's pretty exciting. Grant and Grace are very excited, talking INCESSANTLY about feeding and changing and being big siblings. It's very cute. It's hard to imagine that come summer we might very well be a family of five!

Oh, and it's a girl. Small detail.

Potential Baby #3 News...

Stay tuned...

Baby #3

Well, the wait is over for our two, maybe three, followers: info about baby #3. That's right: we hope to bringing home a new baby in 2011. We don't have many details yet, but we do know that we are planning to adopt another domestic newborn (unsure of baby's sex, as we have not yet been selected by a birthmom). We're using the same agency--for better or for worse--and we hope to have our homestudy done by the end of February at the latest. From there, we expect between a one day to six month wait.

The kids are already in bunk beds, so the nursery in our ever-constricting house is empty and ready. Grant and Grace talk about the new baby all the time, and we often catch them playing "adoption" (as they call it) with one of Grace's baby dolls. Bret and I are excited too, and now that I am home full-time, we hope the transition will be a bit more mellow.

Right now, we're just getting fingerprints, background checks and other info in order. We have a mandatory class (don't even get me started--we've adopted two kids for crying out loud) next week, our physicals in early February, and a meeting with our social worker soon.

That's all we know; we'll keep you posted as we have news.

Home at last

Well, after an unbelievably draining weekend, Erin, Grant, and I have come home from the hospital. Everyone is doing well... If he looks concerned in these pics, it's because he met the grandparents today. Click here for a link to a bunch (!) of our pictures from the past few days. Here are a few from today...

Introducing...

Grant Nicholas

Born 3:44am, Saturday, January 13, 2007.
7 lb, 15 oz
19" long

Well, he's got enough crazy hair to last a lifetime, plus he's got all his fingers and toes and they appear to work in a non-random fashion. Looks like he's a keeper. There are obviously still a lot of legalities to finish up in the coming days, but in the mean time, Erin and I couldn't be more delighted.

No News

While I realize that pictures from our cruise and further updates were promised this week, illness has intervened and prevented us from fulfilling that promise. Erin has a case of the flu, and I've got some sort of inner ear debacle which has rendered me without balance. We haven't received any more news on the baby. Hopefully soon!! We'll keep you posted!

Happy Holidays!

Sorry for the lack of any posts this week. Erin and I have been extremely busy with work, not to mention other pending arrivals. There's nothing much new to report. The product I'm working on is currently in the factory, which is always a stressful time, and we have another one headed to the factory in a couple of weeks. After that, perhaps I'll get a little rest. Oh wait, that's about the time the baby will arrive. Since I work with China so much, my sleep schedule is already sort of a disaster, so hopefully I'm being groomed for dealing with an infant.

Erin is finishing up her semester at school, which means large wads of grading all in a short amount of time. She's winding up nicely though. Once we finish work today, we'll attend approximately 14 family meals, by my count, and open gifts at about 6 locations. And then we'll actually take a vacation next week.

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Meetin' the Mother

This morning we got a chance to have breakfast with our matched birth mom, her two kids, and one of her close friends. Obviously this was a little bit of a stressful situation for everyone involved, and as it turns out, we had to fly minus our social worker. This meant one less person to cover my mouth as I ask if the mother will mind if we sacrifice a cat before breakfast, as is "the way of my people."

In the end, the experience was a very positive one. The birth mom was delightful. She had a great personality and was obviously very intelligent and sincere. Her two little girls were also a treat. Erin was angry when I made her give them back at the end of breakfast.

The only minor hiccup in the morning was in Erin's choice of gifts for the little girls. She got one of them an Etch-a-Sketch type thing, but for the youngest one, she got a miniature version of one of those big round things where you turn a big arrow in the center to an animal, and then the gadget makes the animal sound. The sound, as is obvious to all parents, was the first issue. Nothing wakes up a Bob Evans like a "cow goes moo" four or five hundred times. More humorously, at least in my mind, was that the thing played a little banjo lick like something from "Deliverance" after every animal noise. Nothing says "here come the white folks" like banjos.

A Tale of Two Calls

Yesterday afternoon I received the first of two major telephone calls in the last 24 hours. The first was from our local adoption agency. A young lady has selected us to potentially parent her child who is due in January. There are a lot of details to be worked out, and as is always the case in adoption, there are many things which could still change the situation, but we're hopeful. In the mean time, please say a prayer for this young lady and her unborn little boy. We get to meet her next week, so we'll keep everyone posted.

The second call came at around 6:45am this morning. This one not so happy. I knew it was bad news when the phone rang on two separate occasions while I was trying to shave.

"Hello?"
"I was in an accident." (In a somewhat shakey tone.)

It snowed about 1/16th of an inch here last night, but this left the roads in pretty awful condition for the morning rush hour. Now every man knows that such a call can immediately go down two paths. The first leads to a tender, caring exchange where the husband makes sure the wife is ok and assures her that everything will be fine. The second leads to a hellish week where your dinner is thrown hastily on a plate and slid across the counter to you with a terse "There's your dinner" with an implied "loser" tacked on the end. "You care more about the car than you do me. Hope you enjoy the couch jerko." Understanding this, I took the first route.

"Are you ok?"
"Yes, I'm fine."
"Is the car ok?"
"I think so."

Here is where I ran back up the path and took the second route, or so I've been told.

"Why did you take the backroads this morning? I thought we agreed that in bad weather, we'd take the main roads?"
"It wasn't my fault! There wasn't any ice...until the mail boxes."
"Mailboxes?"
"I can't believe we're discussing which route I took. I can't believe you!"
"How many mailboxes? Are you sure the car is ok?"

This was all resolved over the course of a few more phone calls. In the end, the wife sustained only husband inflicted emotional damage, the car sustained some minor bumper damage, and a couple of mailboxes suffered a mow down at moderate speed. I'm sure we'll get the call on those tonight. I'll leave you with one final comment from my dearest:

"I didn't think it would be icy because I saw the salt trucks. They salt to prevent ice, right?"

Quick Vacations

Isn't it amazing how quickly five days off from work can go by?

We started off the holiday Wednesday night by purchasing a complete "nursery in a box" to outfit the baby's room. Wednesday evening I began assembling, with assurance from the web community that this particular product was "easy to assemble." I should know better. I began by dumping parts A through ZZZ onto the family room floor. I started with the chest of drawers, and after about 20 screws, I decided that a power tool was in order. Lucky for me my powered screwdriver had a dead battery, so it was helpful for approximately half a drawer. Things were sailing along with little trouble, until I started to notice that for three pieces of furniture, the assembly instructions consisted of one sheet of paper. It was at this approximate level of detail:

1. open box
2. put together chest of drawers
3. stop swearing. put together crib.
4. stop kicking and swearing. dress any wounds from screwdriver.
5. put together changing table.

At one point I screwed the back panel onto the front of one of the pieces. Argh. The other annoyance was that after about 500 screws, the company switched to fasteners requiring an allen wrench. It was barrels of fun trying to twist in another 500 screws with a tool designed for hands the size of a toddlers. The whole experience took about three hours, but in the end, we got furniture that actually looks decent and serves the purpose. Erin was delighted, and she didn't even notice all my mistakes.

Thursday was spent in Bedford with our family. We had a nice Thanksgiving. It was a great chance to update our families on what's happening with the adoptions, and it was also great to hear what is going on in everyone else's lives. Plus I managed to eat a small planet worth of food.

After spending the night at a local hotel in Bedford (these words alone should suggest "not gonna be 4 star") we headed to the new casino at French Lick. I should note that Erin and her mom nearly got us run out of Lawrence County when they inquired at the front desk of the local hotel about the possibility of obtaining an alcoholic beverage on the evening of Thanksgiving. The kind lady gave us a "drinkin's sinnin'" look before telling us that no (respectible) place would be open for such a drink on a major holiday. To make matter's worse, wife and mother of wife then proceeded to ask "Well then is there anywhere to get some dessert? Maybe a hot fudge sundae?"

"McDonald's is 2 blocks down on the right."

Sigh...

French Lick, the home of Larry Bird and former home of my favorite establishment -- "French Liquors," is home to a new casino attached to the French Lick Springs resort. For those who don't know, French Lick used to be quite the gambling destination for the likes of Al Capone and other sordid characters of the 20th century. Now it's turned its greedy gaze to the citizens of southern Indiana. It's always entertaining to see a glassy eyed pensioner chained, quite literally, to a slot machine -- cigarette firmly lodged in the corner of the mouth, mixed beverage in hand, shouting obscenities at a slot machine in the parlance of southern Indiana:

"We's lost six months of disability on this here machine!"

"Mavis, see if you can track down one of them girls to get mamaw another pack of Marlboro's."

It was a Thanksgiving cornucopia of "I seen's," "we's," and "don't got's."

After a day at the casino, we took in some shopping at the outlet mall on the way home, moving us closer still to finishing our Christmas shopping for 2006. All in all, not a bad way to spend a holiday. Any vacation featuring vast quantities of food and slot machines can't be all bad.

The City County Building

As part of Domestic Adoption Dance Party 2006, we've been required by the great state of Indiana to have background checks done in every county we've lived in during the past five years. Luckily this is only two counties so it's not so much of a hassle. But if they'd asked me to do this in 2000, I'd be doing some serious travling. In an effort to fulfill this request in a timely fashion, Erin and I headed to the City County Building to get our checks done for Marion County, better known to the rest of the world as the city of Indianapolis. Now there are few places on planet Earth where you feel more like a criminal than the City County Building. This building houses many of the city courts for Indianapolis, and it's adjacent to the jail, so it's not exactly a debutante ball.

In our post-9/11 universe, the first thing you encounter as you enter the door is a row of metal detectors and airport-style baggage scanners. This is accompanied by a woman with a voice to make Ethel Merman proud shouting "Remove all coats and belts, and remove all objects from your pockets." No sweat. We stood in line watching people get scanned, poked, and prodded by the security team, and finally, the line reached the girl in front of us. She pealed off her coat and threw it on the conveyor belt. She then tossed her purse on the conveyor. At this point, the process stopped.

"Mam, you can't take that in there."
"What choo talkin' 'bout?"
"Your purse."
"What about it?"
"The handle is a handcuff. You can't take that in there."

Shore 'nough. The girl had a pink purse which featured the adorning glow of a silver handcuff as part of the strap. She pleaded that the cuff was fake, but it made no difference. We chuckled to ourselves about this incident, and I silently wondered why I'd never dated any girls who brought their own handcuffs, but we fully expected to move right on through the process in no time flat.

I went first. I threw my belt, change, and coat on the conveyor. Right on through. No sweat. Next up -- the wife.

"Ma'am, you'll need to remove your necklace."
"Ok, here ya go."
"Ma'am, this is too long."
"No, actually it's very nice. It hangs just low enough to look sophisticated, but..."
"No, it's too long to take in."
"Really? You're serious?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Can I leave it with you?"
"Yes, but we get to keep it."
"Can I hide it in the bushes?"
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, ma'am."

At this point, my wife returned to our car, several blocks away, to put away her necklace. Now, what I don't understand is this. They let me enter the building with my belt, and the circumference of my waist is much greater than that of my wife's neck (if this isn't true in your family, God bless you). Therefore I can't see how her flimsy little jewelry is more dangerous than my leather belt, but common sense has escaped us in these times.

The rest of the fingerprinting was uneventful, except for the fact that you can't actually take the background check with you. You have to go back a day later to pick it up, thus getting to experience the City County Building for a second time. And this just covers one of the two counties...I'm sure the other county will be an adventure as well.

Poke Me Again Please

If you're a faithful reader of our blog, you'll recall that many of the entries from last November and December centered around us filling out paperwork, getting things notarized, and getting poked and prodded for the purposes of creating a medical history and dossier for our Chinese adoption.

Now it's 2006, and we're doing it all over again for our domestic adoption. All the family histories ("So, Dad, you're still alive, right?), medical information ("That's great, doc, I don't have ebola this year either!") and picture collecting ("Geez, honey. We looking smashing yet again this year!) is being done again. The hundreds of dollars and duplicated effort will all be worth it in a few months, but in the mean time, it's making me surly.

Baby Update

As most of you are aware, Erin and I filed for an adoption from China earlier this year. It seems like it was about five years ago, but it was actually March of this year when China logged us into their system. In March, we were hopeful to have Grace by Christmas. In fact, I think my card to Erin last Christmas made some comment about it being our last Christmas without kids. Crud. Maybe I should have said "...this will be our last Christmas with vast quantities of ice cream and barbeque" or some such. In any case, since March, the wait for a child from China has extended to lengths we hadn't really imagined. At this point, we're hearing 2008. The reasons for the slow down are sketchy and not worth going into. Just know that we're not alone. Everyone in the line for a Chinese adoption is in the same holding pattern.

With that said, and after some prayers, Erin and I have made the decision to go ahead with a domestic adoption in the mean time. After fully committing ourselves to the Chinese process, to which we're still fully committed, we are also fully committing ourselves to adopting a child from here in Indy. We've already gotten things ironed out with both the local adoption agency and our Chinese agency, and we're hopeful to have an infant by February or March of 2007. That's right...an infant...in February or March. It actually could be in January, but saying it makes my stomach feel funny. It's not that I'm not ready...we've waited so long. It's just that we were all set for our little 12 month old Grace...and now it's...a newborn. Diapers...night feedings...the whole shebang. He or she will be either bi-racial or full African American, and as Erin and I like to say, we're just trying to hit all the kids in that song. You know, "Red and yellow, black and white...they are precious in His sight." And they'll be equally precious sitting at my dinner table.

So say a little prayer for us. Erin probably needs it more than I do. We went to Babies 'r Us, USA Baby, Burlington Coat Factory baby zone, and Once Upon a Child already last weekend. I was told by multiple people that I looked like I'd been hit by a train. I had gotten used to the idea that the only burp cloths we'd ever need to own would be for me after too much Mexican food or for my dad in a few years. But I can get used to the idea of having them around for a newborn as well.