In light of Bret’s experiences during our most recent excursion to Homeland Security, I feel it necessary to let you all know, based on my own experiences during fingerprinting, that your association with me could be detrimental.
Now, I know you all think I am kind, sweet, funny and bright, but I think the Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with the FBI, might consider me armed and dangerous.
I avoided most of the trauma described by Bret, but yesterday had its own fear factor for me. This is what I know. I’m standing in a windowless room, several Homeland Security Agents standing ready, and this massive, speed dial-to-Washington, fingerprint machine is standing between me and my baby. No sweat. A few stretches, and I’m ready.
However, for EVERY SINGLE print, a large red warning crossed the screen: MATCH WARNING. I imagined my print being immediately checked against the list of America’s Most Wanted and coming up with a MATCH!! I start thinking: traffic ticket in 1997, car towed in 2000…. Nope, no murder. Nope, no fraud.
The officer in charge of my fingerprinting appeared calm, as if these MATCH WARNINGS appeared all the time. However, I assumed her calm demeanor was standard operating procedure outlined on page one of the official US Guide to Fingerprinting Fugitives. I half expected US Marshals, the like of Tommy Lee Jones, to enter in with guns pulled.
I made it out alive—no guns, no marshals—but I think the bigger fear now is that there is someone out there, someone in the great beyond—a not so nice person—with whom I share a special bond. John Walsh, if you’re out there, let’s find her fast!
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1 comment:
I'm fairly certain you are in the clear Erin, and in fact the woman was so calm when the X's appeared because she, infact, is inept, or more likely doesn't care.
I'll agree with you that lining up to the crazy machine of print scanning is a bit daunting, after all, how can you be assured that your print doesn't mix with the person before you and identify you as Jeffery Dalmer. But rest assured the blatant lack of concern on that woman's face was inspired by the fact that her choice to discontinue her secondary education has landed her in a wonderful job with benefits and a pension plan that will surely pay someday, provided the government can keep printing money when it feels like it, and that it feels like it when her cash is due.
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