Diets Are Evil

Since I'm having trouble finding "lard ring" sized pants these days, I've decided that it's time to go back to dieting. Finding things to eat ranks right behind stillness as my favorite activity; therefore, succumbing to a need to lose some weight is exceedingly painful. Luckily, my lovely wife is also in favor of this plan, choosing to join me in the quest for flub reduction.

But such a partnership is bound to be frought with danger, and this one is no exception. While taking what Erin calls "a short walk" last evening (which really amounted to walking to the mailbox and back and then discussing how exhausting it was...due to the heat of course...) she informed me that she needed my assistance and encouragement in her efforts to begin working out in the evenings. Now any sane man knows that this is a loaded request, so rather than accept the challenge, I informed her that there was no freaking way I was getting involved in "motivating" her to work out.

She then informed me that all I needed to do was "ask if I've worked out today" or say "How are you feeling tonight, hon? Perhaps you should work out." Yeah, right. She asked me to do something similar for her eating habits some time ago, and I'm still trying to get the fork out of my eye. "Gee, hon. Do you think that cobbler is really the best dessert option for you?" "Hmm...Are you sure about that second helping?" I might as well just go ahead and cut off one of my own arms and beat myself with it.

Part of our dieting involves not eating after 7:30pm, which has always helped with weightloss in the past. Unfortunately this eliminates one of my daily staples -- the 10:30pm six scoop ice cream snack. Last night around 11, after my second full day of dieting, I was lying in bed, and I was hungry. Not just a little bit, but starving. I'd have eaten anything offered me. I was so hungry that I couldn't get tired. I finally went downstairs and discovered Erin in a similar state on the couch. I informed her of my needs, and she replied that "you've got to be hungry to lose weight." Grr.

"You can have something to drink," she offered. I almost called her a swear.

She also reminded me of the 7:30 rule. I asked if I could stay up another hour and then eat my breakfast. "Nope."

To make matters worse, she reminded me that I had not, in fact, missed any meals. I had eaten all three staple meals, just in smaller portions than usual. This just irritated me, so I went back to bed. It's going to be a long summer.