Back Home Again

And just like that, we're back home in the arid wasteland that is Central Indiana. Our final day in Gatlinburg on Thursday was relatively uneventful. Grant and I chilled out poolside for a while, and we spent one final night perusing the fudge shoppes (it tastes better from a "shoppe" than a "shop"), NASCAR T-shirts, and all of the Ripley's attractions that make up "the parkway" through Gatlinburg.

We had one last massive pancake breakfast in Pigeon Forge before making our way northward on Friday morning. We made a stop in Cincinnati at the Gap distribution center, which has become a favorite place to purchase the slightly irregular clothing in which you've all seen us dressed. For those who've never ventured to the Gap distribution center, it's a big warehouse full of all the damaged, returned, worn for just long enough to be vommited on, clothing from Gap, Old Navy, and Banana Republic stores east of the Mississippi. All of the stuff is cheap, but you have to take great care with your purchases. It's not uncommon to hold up a shirt and think, "Gee, this looks great for $2" and then realize that one sleeve is 6 inches longer than the other, or there is a hole 2 inches in diameter on the back. It's very much clothing roulette, but you do occasionally find good deals. Or, in my case, you have no standards for wearability anyway, so you gladly take home shorts that are marked size 44 but are really size 38, or a shirt with a small gravy stain on the portion you'll tuck in anyway.

We've spent the weekend in recovery mode. Today I decided to wash Big Whitey, our trusty minivan, so I took it to one of those u-wash places with the power sprayer. I put $5 in, because if you put the minimum $2 in, you have to be willing to move with great haste to wash the entire van...a desire I do not possess.

In any case, I was able to do a respectable job of removing the "insects of the Smoky's" feature from the front grill of Big Whitey, so I decided to go back with our other large, white Hyundai Sonata. Upon arriving, I realized that I'd spent all my singles on Big Whitey, so I would be forced to use the automated washer on the Sonata. No big deal...I didn't feel like soaking myself in the gentle Indiana breeze for a second time today anyway.

So I used my credit card and pulled the Sonata into the automatic wash bay. Things went fine for about 30 seconds, and then the car died. Odd, but not a problem, I figured. I would wait for the wash to complete, restart the car, and exit the wash. So as the wash finished up and told me to exit, I tried to start the car. Nothing. It turned over, but refused to start. I checked the rear view and saw an individual in a big SUV waiting anxiously for me to pull out. Crud. I kept trying to start the car. Nothing.

Finally I gave in and threw the driver's side door open, put the car in Neutral and began pushing the Sonata out of the wash. (This would make a lovely commercial for Hyundai's next ad campaign.) This was working fine, although I was stressed about my car not starting. I was mulling over my next move when I was suddenly hit in the face by a blast of 300 degree air blowing at roughly 10 times the speed of sound. As my face and hair deformed in the blast, it occurred to me that I had spent the extra dollar for the "wash with dry" and was experiencing being dried by the car dryer. You cannot imagine how hot the rivets and zipper on your shorts can get in five seconds under one of these deals.

I immediately jumped back in the car, at which point it stopped rolling, and the SUV began bearing down on me again. Misery. I tried to "scoot" the car forward by rocking forward and back in the driver's seat, which obviously didn't work, but I'm sure made me look like a complete imbecile to the driver behind me. Luckily your extra dollar buys you approximately 15 seconds of drying time, and as I threw the door open again, the dryer stopped, and I was able to roll the car out of the wash. After a few minutes of me picking the burnt flesh from my arms and face, the Sonata chose to restart.

Despite my complete irritation with all of this, I'm not too concerned. I remembered on the way home that I had previously had this same experience with the car after washing it in the driveway, so obviously I have some piece of electronics somewhere under the hood that doesn't like being wet. But next time, I'll be sure not to buy the "dry" if I run the Sonata through the car wash.

Erin will be posting slides from our trip tonight or tomorrow. I'm scheduled to be in China all next week, which should provide some lovely experiences to share. Where else do you get to choose between toes and testicles on the menu?