Hong Kong via Tokyo via LA

Why is this guy touching my knee? There. He just did it again. Why is he touching me?

A 60-something guy with a grey gootee, swim trunks, and flip-flops (since we lost the term "thongs" to Victoria's Secret) is standing next to me while I try to eat my western omelette, asking me if I can figure out what flight he's supposed to be on.

"Is this the flight number or the gate?"

I glance over to the table from wence he came, and there are two Bloody Marys already lined up, celery stalks still standing, awaiting his return.

"I'm sorry, we don't have Mimosas. Only Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers."

Welcome to LAX on a Monday morning. A holiday, no less.

I got up at 4:15, woke up the wife, got cleaned up, woke up the kid and made my way to the airport. I booked my trip very carefully. I wanted the longest leg possible in the U.S., since I get a first-class upgrade on domestic flights...if it's available. I went ahead and booked a normal seat and called Northwest. They informed me that I was first on the upgrades list. That leaves me with a good shot at getting bumped up.

I arrived at the airport at 6:00am, checked in, and immediately headed for the gate. While in line at security, I witnessed a guy in his 40's throwing a fit about being forced to ditch his coffee before going through security. "No liquids past the checkpoint, sir." He continued to pitch a fit. Was it a $6.00 no-fat, Splenda, with an extra shot of bat guano latte from Starbucks? Nope. A large coffee from McDonalds. Black.

As I walked toward the gate, I saw a young lady already in line. She looked to be about my age and was wearing Converse tennis shoes and baggy cargo pants. As she turned to walk away from the gate, I recognized her as the SuperNanny from ABC. The next thing I hear is one gate agent telling another that sometimes exceptions are made for people in "her situation."

I hustled up to the gate.

"Are there any first class upgrades?"
"Nope. First class is checked in full...now."
"But I'm first on the list, and I'm a Gold Elite member."
"Sorry, sir. Coach for you."
"But I'm GOLD ELITE. I can sit where ever I so desire! I can sit on the captain's lap...if I want."
"No go, weirdo."

I watched the SuperNanny head off to relax prior to flight, basking in her celebrity-won, First Class seat. Stupid celebrities. I hoped her First Class seat ended up all mushed down like a "naughty chair."

"My kid doesn't need you!!" I yelled. "He's perfect!! And his mother is a perfect parent!!"

Two hours to kill before heading to Japan. This is a long day.