Pee-Yew

For the past couple of years, we've had a brood of rabbits living under our deck. (I don't know the official term for a collection of rabbits. A pack? A flock? A harem?) The rabbits haven't really caused me any concern, other than the bare patch they've chewed into my otherwise crap-tacular lawn. But at a recent neighborhood block party, a couple of my neighbors swore under their breath at me regarding the slow destruction of their backyard gardens at the hands (paws?) of my furry footed friends.

So last week I purchased a product that claimed to repel rabbits, raccoons, and various other sorts of small vermin. It came in a spray bottle of the sort that might contain window cleaner or countertop disinfectant.

After mowing the lawn, I quickly read the directions which indicated that you merely spray the perimeter of the area where the small animals have been congregating, taking special care to soak any areas where they feed.

I also took note of the fact that the product claimed to be "all natural" and would not harm pets or Grants. This pleased me greatly, as I don't need Grant growing a set of horns or an extra leg because I used a toxic rabit repellant on the yard.

I began spraying the area around our deck, carefully soaking the bare spots in the grass where the rabbits chose to lunch. Things were going very smoothly, and I was pleased that the product was so easy to use. Since the product was not toxic, I was not paying much attention to whether it was getting onto my hands or clothing. I also decided that since it wasn't toxic, more product around the deck would be better than less, so I sprayed until my hand cramped from squeezing the trigger.

Just as I began to consider heading in for an iced tea and a shower, I began to notice a rather foul stench. As I began to investigate the source, the stench became unbearable. Literally, I was having trouble containing my lunch as I tried to figure out what I had done wrong.

I grabbed the bottle and began reading the fine print. As it turns out, the reason this product apparently is effective is because it is designed to smell like the urine of various animals large enough to eat rabbits and raccoons. At this point, I noted that I was somewhat soaked in the product. It was on my hands and arms, as well as my shorts.

Nearly overcome, I dropped the bottle and ran inside to strip down for a shower. Unfortunately, I carried the pee perfume indoors with me. I ran into Erin as I went upstairs, and before I could even explain, she began gagging uncontrollably. It was awful. The more time that passed, the more I smelled like the product of a moose on a bender.

Luckily I was able to get rid of the smell with a shower, and the product no longer smells after drying on the lawn. But the sheer memory of the smell made Erin and I somewhat ill for the rest of the night.

I haven't told Erin yet, but you're supposed to apply the product once a week for the first few weeks. I'm not sure I can bear it.