Church Windows

On Sunday, we visited yet another church in our community with the intention of smoking out witches, snake handlers, and poorly prepared casseroles and Jello salads.

Something I have noticed over the past couple of months is that church windows are never clear. In other words, it is virtually impossible for me to daydream and stare out the windows during the sermon because the view is always obscured.

This practice started long ago with the use of "stained" glass. (And remember those old churches with the really high pews that you couldn't see out of?)

Who did these guys think they were fooling? Stained glass had nothing to do with art. It was developed, no doubt, by the guy in the Big Funny Hat at the front of the cathedral who was tired of Lance and Anselm staring into the courtyard watching Maid Marion pick daisies (and slowly die of The Plague).

As people caught onto the scam, church builders began reducing the size of the windows. First we had smaller stained glass:


Then we had simple narrow slits for windows (these were easily found at the local prison supply store):


And now, it seems that most every church we visit has used some variant of the material used to keep people from peering in at you while you're on the toilet to cover their windows. Some call it "frosting" and others call it "translucent window covering" but I call it, "Preacher's-Ego-Can't-Handle-Me-Zoning-Out-After-35-Minutes Blinders."

In any case, it's clear to me that eventually we're all going to look like this poor bloke, sitting on hard benches with no windows to stare out of, looking at Powerpoint slide #45 of #2305 on why it's bad to poke people with a pointy stick until they give you all their money...as if we haven't all heard that one before.