Tea of Death

My colleagues here in our China office have found it extremely amusing that I do not have a voice at the moment. Every time I try to speak, it starts off in a raspy gasp, and eventually what little voice I have kicks in and finishes the task.

In an effort to heal my voice and show off her Chinese remedies, my friend Ellen purchased me a special Chinese tea on our way back from lunch today. We stopped in at a little shop where a young lady poured a black substance into a previously used plastic tea bottle (I'm sure it had been thoroughly washed). After she poured the black substance in, she went back and got another pot and poured some more junk into the bottle. After shaking it, she handed it to me.

Ellen explained that this tea is only available in the Guangdong province, and that it is very special and contains many herbs which will heal me right up. I took a swig. It was awful. Not just awful. Vile. I mean VILE. It tasted like bad tea that had been strained through somebody's underpants. It tasted like it had probably already been spit out by at least one other person before reaching my lips. It was bad.

As I lurched after the first gulp, the entire group began laughing at me. She asked, "Is it bitter?"

"Hell yes, it's bitter." And if "bitter" means "crappy" in Chinese, then yes, it's very bitter. I asked her what was in it, and her first response was "fur." No lie. I told her that I thought she probably meant something else, but I could believe that it contained ground up fur. I wouldn't be surprised if it also contained "eye of newt" and some bat wings.

Out of politeness, I drank half the bottle, but I couldn't bear to finish it. Interestingly, my voice is doing somewhat better this afternoon, but I think that's probably just time and has nothing to do with the nasty tea. I figure if the tea doesn't do anything for my voice, I'm sure it'll do SOMETHING to my digestive system in the next 24 hours...