Lessons

Here are the things that I have learned as a stay-at-home mom in the last two months that no one ever really told me:

1. You will lose your voice and your sanity if you're traveling by yourself with two toddlers. I was walking through the Orlando airport with a stroller, a car seat, and three backpacks (as the kids had stop wearing the backpacks they had insisted that they needed) saying, "Grant, you're too close to the stroller. Grant, you're too far from us. Grace, stop dragging your hands on the floor. Grant, where are you? Grace, can you hold your pee until we get to the potty? Grace, don't you go potty in your pants! Grant, you just have to take your shoes off; it's a rule. Grant, it's a rule because... (how do you explain that one?). Grace, don't you go potty in your pants. On and on and on and on for hours and hours and hours. I know why they serve drinks on a plane, and it has nothing to do with wealthy business men or people who are scared of flying.

2. All the insecurities you had in junior high resurface when you volunteer to help at your child's first classroom party. I haven't experienced such rudeness in some time. It quickly made me feel like I was 13 again, far too tall for my age, pimple-clad and stuck at a really bad school dance.

3. There are lonely moments--really lonely moments. There are days that I don't have an adult conversation until Bret comes home. Those are long days.

4. I have friends who are really big on not ever lying to their kids, and I respect them immensely. But, I lie to my kids all day long, every single day. There are simple lies like "because I said so," which isn't the answer to their questions at all. It's the "I don't want to answer your question" response. That's a tiny lie. There are a whole slew of lies that really are just regurgitated wisdom our parents used like "don't stand too close to the tv because it'll hurt your eyes" or "if you keep talkin,g the pilot is going to put you out on the wing of the plane" (you didn't get told that one?). And, then there are bigger ones: like when I told Grant that if I caught him doing "x, y or z" again, he wouldn't get to ride Thunder Mountain. I don't think I intended to enforce that one, but he thought I did, so he responded (thankfully) in kind. Or, that Santa might bring lots of presents to other kids, but at our house, he only brings one present, it just costs more than those other presents. Or, that Sponge Bob makes your brain look like swiss chesse with huge holes. In the end, I've made peace with my lying.

5. Sometimes, toddlers talk all day long. They fill every single potentially silent second with constant chatter. Constant. Incessant. All. day. long. Usually, the height of this conversation comes just as you need to do or to remember to do something important. It's inevitable.

6. And, your talkative toddler repeats everything you say at the most inopportune time to the most inopportune people with no ability to provide the correct context. So, "I'm going to box your ears" which you said while you were having a play boxing match, and "You are exasperating today" which you said after your child purposefully poured water all over you, becomes "My mommy said I was exasperating and was going to box my ears" to the pharmacist while you're waiting in line. Nice.

7. The kitchen floor is your worst nightmare. Ever. You can sweep and mop three times a day, and it's still no match for your two toddlers, chocolate pudding, raisins and goldfish that are great to stomp on after lunch.

8. Reading a book is a thing of the past. Suddenly, magazines, even trashy celebrity ones, look good because you can feel a sense of accomplishment when you are finally able to get through some reading: even if it is only a recipe or a "who wore it best?"

9. You will start to hate the question, even from your husband: "What did you do today?" He'll have interesting things to talk about: work dynamics, problems he solved. Your answer will probably be that you cleaned the kitchen floor a few times, wiped a few noses and bottoms, stopped several near death leaps, and refereed a few sibling fights. If you're a really good mom, you've read your kid a book, but if you're like me, you just admit that they watched TV. And here's the kicker: you have the same answer every single day.

10. The kisses, the hugs, the taking care of your kids while they're sick, the play-do, the puzzles, the long afternoon walks where you tell them to avoid the dog poop (and they don't) are fleeting. It goes so quickly, and even for all the craziness, it's worth every single moment.