Lessons in Life

This weekend, Grant learned a lot of new lessons about life.

Lesson #1: Be wary of lions.

On Friday evening, we took Grant to the ZooBoo at the Indianapolis Zoo. This is a yearly opportunity for small children to dress up in little flammable costumes and to parade around the zoo in search of voluteers handing out candy contained in wrappers destined to eventually be improperly discarded and choke an increasingly rare species of wombat.

On this particular Friday, we ventured first to the lion cage. We immediately noticed that the lions were actually visible, something rare to our zoo. Usually the lions are chilling out in the back of the "forest" playing cards or maming a handler. But on Friday, two big lions were close enough to the fence to make things exciting.

There was a large crowd of parents and plastic costume adorned toddlers hanging out watching the lions prowl around, looking for discarded Kit Kats or Twizzlers to eat. We watched for a couple of minutes, at which point the male lion appeared to notice something on the back of the female lion. (At least I assume it was a male with a female, although Indiana is becoming increasingly liberal.)

A moment later and the lions were, uh, thoroughly enjoying each other's company. Horrified (and probably a little jealous), all of the mothers began gathering up their children and making a mad dash for slightly less inclined species like the rhinos or sea urchins.

Rather than kill the mood, Grant, my father in law, and I watched the entire show...even through the credits. The whole thing lasted maybe 30 seconds.

"Boy, that was fast" stated my father in law.
"Get in, get the job done, and get out. I like his efficiency" I remarked.

At this point, Erin returned from a discussion with a zoo employee about where the trick or treating was taking place to inquire as to why all the OTHER parents were rounding their kids up and getting out of dodge. I explained the situation to her. She was a little astounded that I had let Grant stay through the whole affair, and she was a little more mortified at my comment above. I noted that there were other fathers chuckling, but she was still not pleased.

Lesson #2: Dudes don't bellydance.

After our visit to the zoo, we made our way to our favorite Greek restaurant in town -- Santorini's. I dig Santorini's because they give you enough food to feed the entire Greek army, and I also like it because they have a bellydancer on weekends.

This Friday was no exception. About half an hour into my gyro and "baba noush" as Grant called babaganoush, here came the finger cymbals and cellulite. The dancer immediately showed an affinity for Grant, and he took kindly to her blond hair, ample bosom, and tingling cymbals.

After a few minutes showing Grant how to gyrate his hips, my father in law slipped her a bill. I'm sure Grant will appareciate having learned how to "tuck a buck" at such a young age.

Lesson #3: Model trains won't get you dates.

On Saturday morning, we took Grant with my parents to a model train convention at the state fairgrounds. Grant is IN...LOVE...with "Thomas the train" these days. His first words this morning were "Thomas the train...all day long." It's ridiculous.

The train exhibition was a dream for Grant. There were several large model train layouts and various other things put together by single men, including a large scale replica of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway on Indy 500 day done in Legos. My friend Eric was way into Legos when we were growing up. But then he discovered boobs. Apparently some guys never get the new playcall. I told Erin at one point that I was quite sure that there were more prosthetic limbs than wedding rings at this particular convention, but alas.

In all fairness, everyone was very nice at the model train convention, and there were lots of people with toddlers running around looking for displays without "DO NOT TOUCH" on them every 3 ft. One can only imagine the horror of spending 11 years in the basement creating a scale replica of the B&O, only to have it destroyed in one fell swoop by Toddlerzilla.

Grant had a wonderful time at the convention, and afterwards, we went for his new favorite food -- Chicken McNuggets. That's my boy.

To cap the evening off, I showed him how to roll his own cigarettes and left him in bed with a dirty magazine. I figured with the way the rest of the weekend had already gone, why stop now?